Life hurts all over and all around. Why is it that we are given problems that we cannot solve? I can handle challenges cause there is a solution. But I can't handle the problems that just keep me in the dust.
Let's just say this:
I hurt physically cause of riding a horse that has a bouncy canter so to speak who is off balance. No matter what I do to relax, it's utterly difficult. So, this increases the swelling. So, I've been in severe pain for 2 weeks. Doctor? hell.. WHEN!?! I'm booked with classes and time.
Some of the classmates have been real asses and just emotionless bitches. One of these days I'm gonna snap on them. I almost did last weekend at an event - the Iowa Horse Fair in Des Moines. They were just bitchy and growly the whole weekend! Drove me nuts! I felt like I was worthless in performing the normal duties. When I did need help, didn't get it. When I didn't need help, they just did shit for me when I didn't ask nor did they ask me if I needed help. Pisses me off when I feel insignificant. People need to learn boundries.
Plus, cute hot sexy guy I guess everyone would call him who is a classmate of mine. He is charming looking. Younger than I by 6 years. Granted he has blue eyes and somewhat reminds me of Mike, I just can't see myself with him period. A good friend and classmate, yes. Boyfriend and more.. no. But, it's just annoying to see a few girls secretly infatuated with him and seems there is a hidden feud that is just waiting to explode once discovered. 2 I know very well about. And either he doesn't care about having so many girls hang over him or he's hiding it well. One of these young women I know well enough and I don't want to see her hurt. Cause, what's not so fun and hurts me... is how he's treating her just as Mike treated me at first.
Oh, and seeing couples... it hurts.
No vehicle. Jeep is dead which I'm not happy about. Serpentine belt shreaded a few months ago and was taken in. Picked it up and it wouldn't shift from 1st. Was told it was fixed.. no it wasn't. In my opinion the place it was taken to screwed up the transmission. So... again, no vehicle to go anywhere. I have to rely upon my mom. The bus... is NOT reliable.
I'll go back to the couples bit there. Yeah, it hurts.
Guy I fell in Love with, thought he was the Love of my life. So much we had in common. And he passed all my standards I was looking for in a Husband. And I told him this. It didn't seem to bother him and it seemed it would get serious.
So it would seem.
Well... I was wrong.
Ever since Valentine's Day... it's been barely a word from him. 2 weeks ago is when I last heard from him and he said this:
"All is going fine here, just very busy as usual. the family is fine. and as far as bothering me no you haven't. I like your post on the pyracy pub about what you are looking for in a guy. Sorry I have put this off but I was trying to figure out what was wrong with us, and I finally figured out that the chemistry isn't there fo rme is the best way to put it. If you still want to be friends cool, if not I understand, I do hope you find what you are looking for in a guy.
take care and talk to you later"
Ouch and heartache big time!
Yeah, I've been crying everyday since then.
I feel like a fool let him get so close to me in a very intimate way. Anyone who knows me, knows that I do NOT let guys near me for a variety of reasons and my past issues. He knew about these issues. I wouldn't have let him near me like that unless I was sure he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Now... I'm rather confused and alone. Feeling like I will never find the man of my dreams who will share the rest of my life with his life. I'll be 33 next month. Young to many but not young enough, folks. I don't want to be 60+ before my kids graduate from HS! That's just nuts! I would have thought I'd be married by now. I'm SO ready to be married. But, God and Fate is playing a VERY cruel joke upon me. I'm not one to mess around and play when it comes to Love and my heart. I don't put it on the line for just dating or dashing in and out of relationships.
If he wishes to have a relationship that is serious, I'm up for it. I really am. But he's gonna have to prove to me that it's no game, that this is for real and is serious.
And another thing... I'll be waiting for any intimacy until AFTER I am Married. Cause... frankly... I'm NOT a whore! I am a woman and expect to be treated like a Lady. And with men, I am serious about marriage. I don't date, if I give a man a chance I expect wedding bells in the future. Not just a 4 or 6 month fling that is an "I don't know about this" or a relationship game just so a guy can get some booty. I'm NOT that kinda woman! Go to a brothel if you want some sex.
Again, I don't want the problems. I wanted challenges that I can handle with solutions I can do.
I'm SO tired of all the BS.
It takes but a moment for life's changes to happen. Whether it's meeting new friends, a relative passing away, the birth of a child, and accident that puts you in the hospital, learning you have cancer, etc.
It only takes a moment for something to change your life... forever.
Amazing how such a moment can change you when it makes you happy. When you meet that special someone who you know will make you happy for the rest of your life. It's that feeling of comfort that you've NEVER felt with anyone else. Not a single soul has made you feel worth or desire or complete comfort like that one special person. And you pray to God that they feel the same way and that God allows you both to spend the rest of your lives together. Amazing how much in common you have but there are a few differences that is more than tolerable and rather cute.
But it's also amazing when all those hopes and dreams and that fantastic feeling can be shattered in an instant... in a moment. What pain, what feelings of the unknown you begin to feel. Do you doubt yourself? Was it something you said? What was the last thing you said to them? Why didn't you say more? Why are they silent? Do they not wish to see or talk to you? Has something happened to them?
It's amazing that a moment can take forever. How it can make you feel as though you are the luckiest person in the world or... it can torment and torture you with fear and sadness.
I had a taste of a normal life I could have.
I fell in love with a man whom I adore and was comfortable around. For the first time in my life I felt as though life was going right. He became my everything. I adored though not to obsession but to a point of treating him equally. With respect, care, sweetness, thought. I enjoyed chatting with him daily. It helped me. Loved gazing at his face via the webcam... granted in person was FAR better. I still can smell his lingering scent and I long for him. hoping that someday I'll be able to see him face to face, gaze into his gorgeous blue eyes again, to hold him, to be wrapped up in that sensual but sweetly slow kiss. To feel my fingers in his hair, to feel him next to me.
I wasn't shy around him, I didn't feel as though I was taken advantage of or by no means was I uncomfortable. No matter what we did.
I miss him terribly. I long to hear his voice. A mere couple days... it's amazing what such withdraw from the love of your life can do to you.
Yes... I really do believe he was THE One I was waiting for.
It's a cruel, cruel trick of God and the Fates to have only given me a taste for barely 3 months. To give me the man I wished for and then to just take him away from me. It's cruel and unfair. I shed tears in hope that I shall see and hear from him again.
If I must go on without him... I shall. But I will never be the same. My heart belongs to one... and I know who that one is now. God hear my plight... don't deny me happiness. I want that happiness for more than just a moment in time.
Finally... Finals are overwith.. the fall semester finished... waiting for the Kirkwood site to stop screwing up so I can take a look at my grades. Been a hell of a semester. Hated my Acting final. Screwed that one up big time. :( Doubt I did well on that. But.. I think I did good on all my other finals. Including the riding final for Beginner Western. Bubba - horse I've been riding the majority of the time - was acting a bit of a grouch.. but controlled him well enough and did fairly good. Could of done better but, considering the circumstances... it was a good Final. Parents showed up late to that and didn't get images of me riding... bummer.. grrr.. oh, well. It's to be expected really.
Speaking of to be expected... sister called me around noon wanted to know what to get Mike for Christmas. Now.. if you are wondering who the hell Mike is... well... a very handsome and charming gentleman whom I met online nigh a month ago via a PotC Costuming list where I gave him info and images of an outfit... he's flying in on Wed the 20th to see me, spend a couple days here..get to know my family and friends. Then drive up to WI to his family and spend Christmas there... yes, I will be going with him. Then come back to IA, go to Dubuque for New Years Eve, spend it together watching Wylde Nept (Celtic Band). Then he flies out on New Years Day. :( Mike.. is just awesome! So much we have in common yet there are our differences. He likes horses as I am going to school to be a Horse trainer and barn manager... he likes animals. He's into Ren Faire and Piracy. Likes chocolate. Makes his own beer, but likes various drinks. Aye... I'm excited. And honestly, I can see this go far. I'm hoping and praying. I really am. He's passing all my standards ( which are VERY high) with flying colors! And... he told me on the 2nd night we met online.. he wants kids. So, there is a plus! I may be jumping the gun here... but I am hoping! :)
Anyway... back to my sister... she called and wanted to know what to get Mike for Christmas... I told her that I will go with her Christmas shopping since I still have to finish up. Well, she never called and here it is a quarter til 5... called her, can't get a hold of her... called my mom, can't get ahold of her either! I'm pissed now cause I am trying to do laundry and the washer and dryer have been commandeered from me! (Since I live in an apartment) I HATE that! I have NEVER had the chance to do laundry! I'm always busy or gone... and when I have the chance, someone's doing laundry!
It's pissing me off cause I had something in the washer... it's sitting in a basket now.. wet.. and I can't use the freakin' dryer! Pissed!
Let's just say I need to do laundry cause I really haven't a thing left right now. :(
::groans and unhappy::
Ow! Bit the inside of my cheek again! been doing that far too much lately. :(
::Groans:: grrr.. mom called, being mom, telling me to be at Bishops in less than a half hour... that is after a LONG attempt to squeeze from her what she wants me to do.
Talking to Mike right now via yahoo IM... would have have fun with him than to be with my mom. But.. she's offering a good meal.. so, can't really refuse. Besides.. I'll see Mike again soon enough tonight. And better yet.. will see him in person on Wed.. I am SOOOO excited!
As I lay here, a poor soul who's spirit is barely in tact, I can only journal what is racing through my piratical ill mind.
Tis a pity that you pirates - comrades in arms of mine - that you be so silent.
Perhaps... Blackbeard spiced my blood far too well! Aye! An inspiration he was! And always will be.
Play a game, m'friend. For whatever game ya play... it reveals everything about you.
An' for those of you... I'll be playing my Journal in something that be called "Barbossa Fan Fic" here abouts. Amuse the wooly lot of ya.
Tis a lonely life. Or so it appears. Be it my own doing or by the Hand of God, the open seas out there seem far more sparce and empty than what they once were. The soul of this Lady withers from the loss of fellow comrade in arms. Their absense and disappearance makes m' heart ache to drunk rum with them, sit an' sing songs, and other pleasurable joys that can surface within this wicked mind.
But.. alas... not a soul.
If ol' Barbossa had a fate so horrible... I feel I can sympathize with that fate. For it feels.. that I am cursed or have been marooned, left to where I am to rot under the bleeching sun and cold moon.
Do I wish to be left in the dust or to Davy Jones? Nay... not this Lady. I want to feel excitement again... to feel th' rush of racing away as Guards fire at me, roundshot barely missing my body... to feel the heat of battle and drink in it's taste... to feel the wealth of many nations between my fingers after plundering it from an unfortunate vessel or being... and more importantly, to feel the warmth embrace of a Gentleman's arms, to hear his desires and feel his lust.
Aye... I am flesh, I am a woman. A mere mortal. Oh, God I beg do not deny me further from what you have already denied me.
Do I remain revenant? Or will I be resurrected?
Had another fabulous ride this evening.
Pheobe has been known at the miss bitch mare. But tonight.. she rarely was grumpy. She performed fabulously this evening.. doing pretty much anything you asked of her. I wasn't the only one to ride her this evening either. & the other's said she was wonderful this evening.
She turned on her haunches, worked really well with the leg yields, diagonals, half-passes... everything she did was great! I was highly impressed & giving her a lot of praise for it. For once.. her & I worked together wonderfully.
Only goofed once when the saddle loosened too much, I knew it was... but as I dismounted... it slid off to the side... I landed good on my feet but lost my balance. I laughed my arse off cause it was so darn funny! Pheobe gave me this WTF look. :) Too funny.
I did good this evening. Giving myself a treat this evening of rum & coke. :)
Rode another horse this evening. He was a duffus... but a fun challenge. He didn't do anything incredibly stupid. But... he attempted to take off.. he immediately met up with my challenge & he.. well... had no choice but to cave in. :) Bubba has some issues... but... I'm sure what will be worked out in due time. He's no slow poke.. he's just a dork. It's good to have challenging horses. They help you learn.
It was a great evening to ride!
Ya know... it's friday... & it snowed heavily today. Winter Weather advisory was out - still is until midnight.
I, unfortunately, had to work! Didn't like it in the least that I had to drive in no so safe conditions. I'm not exaggerating either... when I saw a couple accidents on the way to work. One firetruck when one direction as a rescue when the opposite direction. I was slipping & sliding. Even spotting a car on the side of the road on my way home with a bumper in front of it.
But... at work... I wasn't late, but a fellow co-worker was. Poor thing! No... the devil of a Director wouldn't DARE to shut down. Course not.. he's not working! Dumbass!
Now... get this... people came to each of the shows! Driving out in the snow covered roads to watch a bloody damn movie. Had on average 9 people per show. Nearly half those numbers were KIDS! Yup... dumbass people bringing their kids to a damn show in the middle of a damn snow storm! How frickin' idiotic is that! It too GREAT amounts of restrain to NO punch the living Shyte out of these people & not bitch at them until Hell freezes over. Though, I had a superior sour look upon my face the whole of the night.
I'm exhausted... I had to drive out in the snowy storm, etc...
Remind me again.. WHY are people stupid?
To those LJ Friends who are horsey people.... CELEBRATE!
I tell ya... I rockin' & a rollin' with this! I'm still a bit green, but not as green as I was before. I'm invigorated when I work with these horses. Exhausting work, but it always brings a smile to my face. Tis great fun!
Phoebe... the miss bitch mare from hell as some believed her to be... her attitude has improved since last semester. We can't seem to figure out why. No one is arguing though! I rode for the first time in weeks today & did damn good! It was bareback with a rope halter & led. I was so proud of myself, my balance is still a tad off but getting there. SO easy to get that balance when bareback. But... Phoebe & I coordinated pretty good today. Had no troubles with her other than just at the beginning where she wanted to nip at the other horses. That was quickly rememdied... & she did very good. She's a bitchy mare but she is one you do have to understand a little before riding her. She does not trust all that quickly. She will tolerate to a certain point. If she doesn't like it, she will let you know. She didn't attempt to nip at me not put her ear back really at me which is a GREAT sign. I don't use hard brushes on her nor curry combs... she's that sensative physically. But there is that rare occasion I try it. She needs a bloody damn bath! My GOD! MUD COVERED! LOL... she's a cute, fat Morgan mare. Over 10 yrs old. She's rather loveable once you get to know her. She's a little rough sometimes but she never means any harm.
I gave her a treat after our ride today for putting up with me & our fabulous coordination. I didn't use my legs on her at all. I did what I could with my seat & the rope led as well as a little bit of my voice to reassure her of my appreciation of her.
So... another breakthrough today in working with Phoebe.
Now... mind you you all. For those of you who haven't a clue about what the hell just happened ... I've not been on a horse before the fall of '05 more than a half dozen times! So... I had NO clue of riding.
Phoebe is generally who I ride the most. Yoder is the other who I ride on occassion as well but she'd HUGE! A belgian draft that's around 18 hands! HUGE!
Anyway... Phoebe was a problem horse with me since I had no clue what I was doing & she appeared to be spazzing out for no apparently reason to me. Granted I was doing my best to control her & work with her as I was being instructed. But ... it wasn't working. Tried tutoring, etc. Changed classes...
Eventually, at the end of last semester she & I had it out... I nearly gave up & finally we had a eureka moment. She & I were finally coordinating. It still took a couple more tries again. My final... I did fairly well, granted I couldn't do everything that everyone else could do ... but, everyone has horses... I don't. So... I'm still learning. But... Phoebe & I did pretty decent on my riding final when before in another class before my mid-term she & I were just not coordinating at all by any means.
So... now... I think Phoebe & I are pretty much working at things a little bit more. She doesn't see me as an idiot, green human being any more... but someone determined to get through this & wanting to learn. Phoebe is a great teacher. She's brutally honest. Intelligent mare. She doesn't take BS, but she will not BS with you if you ask her in the manner you are to ask of her when riding or doing ground work.
It's great working with these horses. They BS with ya sometimes, but.. sometimes you have to BS with them back. Fabulous learning tools. They are more than enough to humble you & make you appreciate the little things. They can be your greatest ally & friend when respect is earned & you appreciate each other.
Ya reading this Linds? I know you are a big horsey person, too.
Seriously... Like I said years ago... someday I will be out east... both of us can go riding. Fox hunting sound fun? Either that or trail ride/cross country. ;) I'll eventually start getting there with the jumping as well.
I'll be a Horsewoman yet! ;)
Tis interesting when you mind ponders all the evils in the world.
As I listen to "24" that is on TV in the Living Room... it makes you wonder again. Nearly daily I dream of a life rather isolated from this sick world. Even after watching "The Lady and the Highwayman"... to hear & see old tales of romance of adventure & love... it makes me dream... wish... imagine. & people wonder why people daydream. With hells you see daily on TV or elsewhere of this God-forsaken world... Why not let our imaginations run free?
To have an island or a couple of them in an area for those of us "pirates" to enjoy what we all love... portraying piracy or even the historical part of the Colonial era from the late 1500's to the late 1700's.
To have our trade between our islands & the Modern world be damned as we take what we want & need. Or be supplied right well. Tourists I suppose would be welcomed.
Our ships would look like those days of old... sailing ships with cannons & all.
The islands with fortresses... plantations of various sorts... Men dressed like the era... women dressed also in the era... with some modern convinences like plumbing, running water, etc... but with some old day luxuries like horse & carriage if we so desire.
I... I can see myself on an island with other pirates. I would have a plantation. Not unlike the one that Morgan had. To have ships. To have some fine horses. & I would dress much like the women of the era.
Crazy... I know. Silly & just absurd.
Is it? When it's part of what only keeps me sane so I don't go insane? There is a reason to allow ourselves such things. Never to restrict ourselves.
I can see it. How beautiful it is. My dreams. I... a Lady of a piratical island, part of a piratical brethren & parliment that governs over waters but not over people unless it be over those who wish to suppress us pirates. Aye... I can see it. I can see the UN not liking us by any means. But... if they dare to mess with us Pirates... they'd find their end! Warriors.. are not made by technology... they are made by desperation & courage. From the strength within.
I can see myself as that Lady... to have a plantation on the island. To have lovely horses... to grow what I wish & do what I wish upon my land according to the Code of the Brethren.
I can see myself as the fine Horsewoman I dream of being. With dogs beside me.. & a falcon upon my arm. With the array of weapons so spectacular that they would be considered art.
Be that Lady with the finest of attire. Jewels adorning my body with a feline upon my lap to be my companion.
But a better companion would be that pirate Love my heart longs for. Aye... a feline upon my lap... but I would be upon his lap... as well as in his bed. And he.. in my bed. Be it upon our fine ships or in our fine estates. A pirate needs at least 1 constant Lover to warm our beds & console us when we need it most.
Can you imagine if you were a part of this old style society in this odd world?
If it formed & there were islands with us pirates to dwell upon. Would you be there? Would you have the same dreams? Would you want land or ships? Wealth galore? Would you be a Lady or Lord of a piece of land? Or a Commander of the Oceans? Would you want various animals for you entertainment or pets?
What would be your dreams in this dream world?
The day was not so bad. Filled my gullet with some fine foods of various sorts enough to make ol' King George jealous!
Better yet... having some Capt'n & Coke. Aaaayyyyeeee... what a grand taste that was! I dare say I missed the spicy taste of rum upon my tongue & warming me as it goes down into my belly. Warming the whole of me at the same time. A tad bit mixed with that sweet drink.... Ahhhh... what a treat that be indeed! Barbossa... if you be reading this... I hopes to be giving you a tad bit of help in remembering the taste of such delights. I can truly sympathize with your curse. Ye've NO idea how much I can sympathize.
Alas... I was highly disappointed in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this eve with their loss. Damnable ruffians. Dare I say would they last more than a fort night aboard ship?
My seafaring days will be defered for a spell until the warmer months as I am called to be doing more... use with the Equines. Aye, I be looking forward to that. A step closer to being a fearsome Horsewoman.
Oh! And dare I be so bold as to state a huge disappointment here? AYE! I dare!
I be heavily disappointed! Why, says you? I'll tell ye.
Adventure, romance, mystery, & more... I have been hoping for. Did I get it? Not in the slightest chance in Hell! Why, again says you? It be because of not a soul be willing to take pleasure in such adventures. In the words of modern English... these past few months no postings on Role Playing Games & stories! They've all died! ALL of them! All the ones I am in have pretty much just... fizzled up! Aye... I'm disappointed. Many of them had some fabulous stories to them such as one that's in Pan Historia... Tales of the Seven Seas... That one has been running for a long time yet the wait... well, hardly a soul has posted. I can't be making my move until certain people do. It's not fun waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting... mostly for months upon end.
Other Role Playing Stories are the same. Great stories & plots... just not a soul to post.
Understandable that people are busy. I am, too! But I still make & take that time to check ALL of my stories & post if so needed.
The interest in Piracy has... dwindled. We know now who be REAL Pirates!
WHERE HAS ALL THE ONLINE ROLE PLAYERS GONE?